INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
You Might Also Like
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working