CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope