A huge thanks to the person that did this
You Might Also Like
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
That’s what I call a flat tire
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
this isn’t threatening at all
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.