My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!