I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
You Might Also Like
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.