Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
(Gaming support cat.)
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.