They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
You Might Also Like
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Ferrari squats
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers