They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
sliding into dms like
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”