If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Don’t frighten the programmers!
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.