If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.