College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
estão todos miauvindo?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it