They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“i miss shittin on people”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?