I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Optional boss fight.
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!