Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Found my door mat

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Usage Guidelines

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.