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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.