just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.