This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
cats when you pet them too long:
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!