I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
The struggle is real
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then