My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.