Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
how to exercise your calf muscles
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.