how to exercise your calf muscles
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Does beer think about me too?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊