Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.