[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
You Might Also Like
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense