why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
You Might Also Like
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Leaving the Barbers like
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.