as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
You Might Also Like
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Close call…
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.