My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
You Might Also Like
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I have a type: disappointing
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one