Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
fly smarter, not harder
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.