“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
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If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
😂😂😂
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT