HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Today’s Times
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.