ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
You Might Also Like
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
tourist season
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.