to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me recordaron éste meme
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.