I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.