I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Ghost costume 😂
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.