Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods