i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
This story is comedy gold 😂
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.