My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
You Might Also Like
No. He’s not coming out to play
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
When your parents check you’re ok.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
cause of death:
autopsy.
Spring of Deception
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.