everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!