There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
You Might Also Like
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Dammit Chief not again
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.