My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
The USS B port
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.