her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.