remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?