“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
A game married people play.