I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.