“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.