Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!