A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me