My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
You Might Also Like
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.