My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet