why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Good Morning.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.