Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.