Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
You Might Also Like
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.