Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
🤣🤣🤣
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I beg your pardon?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?