[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
good work, everybody
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”