“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

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God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.


People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.


HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.


If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.


I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.


I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts


*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms


I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.


Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.


[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that