“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’