“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
You Might Also Like
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
This is what makes twitter great
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!