listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.