I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.